I have a couple things on my mind that I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts on. Ok, it seems the topic of the last week for me has been men and whether they are ever faithful or not. Such an old topic, I know. But, when I recently heard about married men having many women and their wives or committed partners being OK with it, I was dumbfounded. Yes, I know since the beginning of time people have been cheating. Yes, I know some may argue that we, humans, may not have even be made to be in monogomous relationships. However, when I hear from a married man (by way of my boyfriend :)) that his successful, young, beautiful wife accepts that he has TWO other women on the side, and that, in fact, it's the norm in the ATL for men to have more than one woman b/c of the low man to woman ratio--there just isn't enough men to go round down there., I think that ain't right.... Many women are like it's all good, at least I have a man. I was like w-h-a-t!!!! I mean the first thing I thought was why would any smart, talented, beautiful, CONFIDENT woman share a man. I mean if it's that bad--move, there are 50 other states to choose from, not to mention an entire world to explore.
I realize though, that what may be missing with these women is honest to goodness self-love. And I am not letting the men off the hook. But I have to focus on my gender right now. I will always remember what my Bible School teacher told my class when I was a teenager, he said women have the power. Meaning women dictate how a man will treat her. We have the power to command respect. If we accept certain things, we will receive them. Aren't we worth more than being one of his "girls/women/chicks?"
Sure, I've heard stories of older women, married for 20 years or more, who've accepted their husbands infidelity. They take it as just a man being a man. It is what it is. However, I just can not believe that every single man cheats or will cheat eventually. I understand that marriage is real work, can be challenging, takes a lot of effort, but isn't it also a beautiful union. Isn't marriage sacred? Isn't the point of marriage to committ to this (one) person and share your life together, your dreams, your fears...To grow, to enjoy life together, face problems together--a team. A union. A bond. How on earth could anyone have a union with a 3rd or 4th or 5th person in the picture? Why accept it? We are worth so much more.
Love these lyrics from Secret Garden by Barry White:
"If you think I am gonna be good to you. If you think I like what you do
Sho' you right!"
If you have time, pause the music on my blog and click the link below. I love this song by Rashaan Patterson, Treat You Like A Queen. It's true. :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71mwQm-FUzM
I've been on a journey for a while now to liking and loving myself. I used to self-sabatoge by constantly saying negative things about myself, not forgiving myself for mistakes or bad choices, really abusing myself (unbeknowst to me at the time). However, I woke up. Thank God. I started to realize that I MUST love myself. If I am here not liking myself, how on earth can I ever expect anyone else to do so? I am so grateful I see my worth now. I like myself even when I mess up. And I absolutely love myself no matter what. It's not just words, it's actions. The wonderful thing is that loving myself makes it SO much easier to love others. ahhhhhh. It's like breathing fresh air! :-)
I hope that every woman is living the life that truly makes her happy. Maybe I'm naive, maybe some women can be happy sharing a man. However, my heart and mind tell me that probably isn't the case. You can have what you deeply, truly desire. Put that energy out there and it will come back to you. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and always accept what a Queen deserves. :-)
p.s. speaking of marriage--Martin Lawrence, Carrie Underwood and Carmelo Anthony got married this past weekend. May they all have happy, healthy, relationships till death do them part. :-)
So what are your thoughts? Hablame.
I still believe in monogamous relationships. In fact, I can think of at least 4 people, I know personally, with healthy, loving, fun, joyful marriages. When I'm around them, spending time with them at their home or elsewhere, I can feel their love, their energy. It's real. It takes work, effort, but they are in sync with one another -- living and growing and having a great life together. It is not impossible. It takes major communication and being on the same page AND compatibility for a relationship to work and thrive. Women (nor men) don't have to accept less.
My cousin Danielle and her hubby. :-)
I hope that every woman is living the life that truly makes her happy. Maybe I'm naive, maybe some women can be happy sharing a man. However, my heart and mind tell me that probably isn't the case. You can have what you deeply, truly desire. Put that energy out there and it will come back to you. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and always accept what a Queen deserves. :-)
So what are your thoughts? Hablame.
Sending good love your way. Tag, you're it!
I'm in COMPLETE agreement with you!!....I believe in monogamy and fidelity. It's all about choices! Some women and many men say it's a "man thing", but really it's a choice. Yes, a man or woman can be tempted to cheat on his or her spouse or partner, but there comes a critical moment when a decision is made to do so; even if it's that split second in deciding to take ones clothes off and do the "deed" or run like hell back home to your spouse or partner.
ReplyDeleteIn my family there are mostly women, and I haven't been witness to any positive relationships or marriages. However, I still believe in marriage as a sacred union.
I was in a committeed relationship for 9 years. I have been faithful in all of my relationships. If men or women can't stay faithful, especially if they are married, then they shouldn't get married. That's why I respect George Clooney so much, b/c he's honest about his.......it's like look I don't want to be married, or get married so either you're going to roll or not ( Of course, this is what I think he says to them in my head...LOL)...I respect that b/c at least as a woman you know where you stand and YOU DECIDE, YOU MAKE A CHOICE. My motto is be single and be free to date whomever you want, if marriage isn't for you. Don't get into relationships and marriages if you truly are incapable of committing spiritually,emotionally and physically.
One last note, I really believe that is why dating has become so difficult for a lot of quality women of substance that I know. It's b/c other women have accepted this standard as the norm, so men aren't held accountable and want women that will tolerate and accept anything just to say they "have a man."
In my opinion, there's no such thing as a "man shortage." Yes, there are more black men that are incarcerated, etc., but that isn't the man you want anyway. Listen, black men date and marry who they want, so it's time that black women open their minds to dating other races JUST LIKE THEY DO. Maybe if we did, we just might meet the right one!
Again, you are right on it with this one! The same thing has been in my spirit this week. I'm saddened by what so many of my sisters will accept. However, so many of us are criticized for believing God and believing that "God is the giver of every good and perfect gift." No man or woman is perfect, but loving Him allows you to love your self--imperfections and all. It is a process. Sometimes a long process. But you are WORTH IT. On old friend used to always say "remember YOU are the treat."
ReplyDeleteI have been so favored by God to witness real love. My parents have provided such a perfect example of REAL BEAUTIFUL BLACK LOVE. 40 years this year and still loving each other and being best friends. My dad is such a good example that I cannot accept anything that is not good. I have great brothers who are GOOD black men. They are all single so I KNOW there are STILL good men out there.
Young women should choose to wait and prepare themselves for the MAN that CHOOSES her. He is there if that is God's will for her life. In the meantime: occupy, BLOOM where you're planted and don't accept anything less than God's perfect gifts . . . .
Ok, any comment I post may be considered self serving because my relationship with the author ;-). But I must say that I dont believe that all men are unfaithful,, actually I think that the numbers between men and women may be closer that people think. Its like the hunter who kills the dear, stuffs its head and nails it to the wall, Men brag about their "conquests", women internalize it. They may have a lover for years, and no one else will know about it.
ReplyDeleteThere is no one reason why men are unfaithful, or why they feel the need to have more than one woman in his life. Besides, who has the time, hell, I barely have the energy for the one that i have (love you baby LOL).
Personally, all of my married friends are completely faithful. They adore their wives, and I wouldnt expect anything other than that. I agree with the sentiments written above, women have more choices than they take control over. Thats where it comes down for men. Its about the options, and with men, options are controlled by money. If Tiger woods were not a golf great, what type of husband do you think he would have been? I believe he would have been a hard working nerdy IT guy that grills in the back yard on the weekends and takes his family on vacations a few times a year. Not to say that IT guys dont have affairs,, but the options are greatly diminished. Plus they have far more to lose.
So the key these women seems to be realizing their options.
I believe that these women who agree to this 'sharing of men' are insecure, with low self-esteem. They are lowering their standards and compromising their morals/values, providing they have any, to maintain this type relationship, a dysfunctional one at that. They're only fooling themselves into thinking or believing it's 'OK' or 'normal' to share a man. This is NOT NORMAL, at least in our culture. I mean, who do these men think they are, King Solomon? lol
ReplyDeleteSome FYI about men I gather: Although men are genetically driven to cheat, they are still accountable and responsible for acting out on they're impulses. Men look at a beautiful woman with desire but most mature adult men would acknowledge that it's just a 'natural response' and move on.
It's not possible to share your bed wholeheartedly with more than one man/woman at a time. And given this may be the trend in ATL, I find it appalling. And it goes both ways for women as well. I'm wary of such agreements, because realistically I don't think men can cope as well as women, with knowing they're sharing their woman with other men. I would tend to believe that women are doing the same but are smart enough not to share the affair with their men. Based on what you stated Denice, these women are intelligent and confident, so there's more to this story to meets the eye.
Regardless, no woman should ever feel it is right to share a man and that they don't deserve better. Not only do you have the right, but only YOU have that power to make that choice. And personally, I wouldn't move out of ATL, since there's gotta be a man with good character and integrity who doesn't share this indecent way of life.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the response.
Tiff, I agree with ya. But I also have to say there are still some good mocha men out there too. I know some good,single guys. :-)
DaCara, thanks! Women must stop the madness.
Aunt Sandy, very true. women are some clever creatures, and I'm sure they do "stuff" too. As far as moving out of the ATL, I just feel that I hear too much about being single, brown and female in ATL. It doesn't sound encouraging on the dating front. Plus, I wouldn't trust most of the men. There's also a huge population of men on the "downlow." it's sickening.
All in all, women, we have the power to have what we want. Be who you want to attract and you will attract. Whatever you deeply, truly believe eventually becomes your reality.
Keep shining ya'll!